What You Want Can Also Be What You Need
by MortisBane
Summary: Sam is loosing what's left of his mind and refuses to go to his brother for help, but eventually he has no choice but to.


**A/N: Okay so I'm new to the Supernatural fandom, I haven't even finished season 7 yet, but I felt the need to write this fan fiction. My first supernatural fanfic so I'm sorry if I mess things up. It's around the time Sammy snaps and keeps seeing Lucifer. Alright, so bear with me people, and please let me know of any mistakes but don't spoil anything for me please.**

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Sam was scared. He had been ever since Cas broke down his wall, allowing all the memories from hell come spilling into his subconscious. But he didn't, no couldn't, let it show. Even with the hallucinations, and the flash backs, he couldn't throw yet another thing for Dean and Bobby to worry about. With the leviathans reeking havoc, the last thing they need to think about is how little Sammy's loosing his marbles. Still though Sam knew that keeping this in could result in an explosion of emotion or insanity at some point, he just had no choice. He knew his brother and he knew Bobby, he could tell when they were stressed, on edge, worried, scared, and right now all three of them were all four, and throwing this at them could be just as bad for them as it currently was for him. Sam's tried to find ways to manage, so far he could determine which was real and which wasn't, but he felt as though he was loosing that grip. When he first snapped back when they tried to get all the souls out of Cas, he just wasn't the same. Lucifer became a common recurrence with him. He would wake up and there he'd be, he would get a drink and there he'd be, he would just glance up and there he'd be. It scared him to think that just maybe Lucifer was right. Maybe he wasn't free, maybe he was still back in the cage with this false reality. Lucifer was toying with him, and Sam could find no way to stop it, except one. Lucifer was right, he wasn't just meddling with his guns for the heck of it, he was preparing for if he needed a way out. Some nights he would lay awake contemplating the fact and Lucifer would be sitting right next to him egging him on. Sam remembered one night while Dean and Bobby were sleeping finally that he stood out side for hours his gun placed beneath his chin, and Lucifer stood directly next to him, his little amused smile on his face waiting for Sam to pull that trigger. But he didn't, Dean had actually come outside to check on him, Sam hid the gun so Dean wouldn't know, but the whole thing haunts him. He came so close to actually pulling the trigger it scared him, was he really that crazy, was he really listening to Lucifer of all people, if it really was him for that matter and not some figment of his now broken imagination. The worst of all about that night is that deep inside him, he regrets not doing it, now that part he shoves down as deep as he possibly could manage, but he knows its there and full of regret. That same gun Sam keeps on him at all times, not for security against an attack, but security knowing if need be there was a way out. He hated this entire situation from all the way deep in his core, he hates keeping it bottled up, he hates lying to the only family he has, he hates that he would be considered suicidal, he hates all of it. Sometimes he wants to tell Dean, tell him how he isn't managing, how he can't handle it as well as he leads on, but he can't, he can't bother Dean with these little problems when there are bigger things at hand. Even though Sam knows he needs help, he wouldn't dare reach out for it, this was his problem and he could handle it on his own...right? Even with that, Sam wants what he can't have. He wants someone to reach out and help him, but he can't have that, he wants someone to hold him and tell him its all going to be okay, but he can't have that. All he can have is stress, worry, mistrust, and the constant feeling that things are becoming too much. It's in situations like this that he wishes Dean was more, as Dean would say, Chick flickish, but again Sam is asking to much when he deserves so little. As time goes on, and the more he tries to deal with his hallucinations the harder it becomes. They just appear so real, so much so that he really believes that this is all fake, that he really is stuck inside that cage. He can't seem to decipher what's real and what's not anymore. It was that issue that brought him to his worst breaking point. After he had hallucinated Lucifer as Dean and lead him to the warehouse, Sam's mind was nothing, it was a scrambled mush of insanity. When the real Dean had shown up Sam didn't know what to do, he didn't know what was real and what was fake. It scared him more than anything, it made everything seem to press down on him, he felt like breaking, he felt like taking the gun in his hand and sending one of its bullets directly through his brain, just to stop all the confusion fear he felt. But Dean had came through for him, somehow he was able to help Sam along, to show him that Lucifer wasn't real, that Dean himself was, somehow Dean managed to reach deep withing Sam and pull him free from all the madness storming within him. He cleared the storm even, made everything lighter on him, made him feel as though he was sane again, if only for a short while. That exact moment Sam wanted to cling to his brother and cry, he didn't want to hold back all of his emotions, he wanted to sob into his brothers chest, he wanted someone to comfort him and he wanted that someone to be Dean. But he can't have what he wants, Bobby had called stopping him and sending their focus in another direction. Part of Sam was angry at Bobby, he found an opportunity to release all his pent up emotions and because of Bobby he lost it just as quickly as it presented itself, but the rest of Sam was grateful, Sam didn't want to be the weakling in this group, his emotions made him weak and he didn't want to prove the point that the soulless him tried to make when he was piecing himself back together. So the two of them slipped back into the Impala and left without another word. That annoyed him about Dean, when it was best to talk Dean preferred silence, he wanted all the problems to reside in him and never resurface. It irritated Sam to no end, he wanted to talk to maybe over come these problems, but again he can't have, just want. But for once Sam wanted to be selfish, he wanted, no he has wanted one thing since he was a kid, he wanted to express emotion, not keep them locked away only to cause more problems in the future. So as the two drove back to Bobby's Sam couldn't help but want one last time, and he knew one way or another he was going to get it.

"Pull over the car." He spoke calmly without shifting his gaze from the road in front of him.

"Why?" Dean questioned taking a quick glance at Sam before looking back at the road.

"Just do it...please." Dean looked at Sam for a moment longer before deciding to pull the car over onto the side of the road. Once they stopped Sam jumped out and made his way over to Dean's side of the car.

"What is it Sammy?" Dean climbed out of his side of the car just in time to meet Sam as he made it to him. Without warning Sam threw his arms around his brother in a tight hug pulling him close "Whoa, Sammy are you doing okay? What's with the chick flicky stuff?"

"Just s...shut up." Sam felt tears well in his eyes and a lump in his throat grow, instead of forcing the tears back and swallowing the lump he let them free for the first time in his life. There was a choked sob before the tears willingly spilled out. Dean was surprised to say the least, he knew that between the two of them Sam was the more emotional one, but Sam's never willingly cried into Dean's chest or willingly cried in front of Dean before, not even when Sam was little. "Hold up Sam, what's the matter?" Dean grabbed onto Sam's shoulders and tried to push him away so he could look at his face but Sam kept a tight hold not willing to budge.

"J...Just let me stay here, please." Sam begged a few more sobs escaping past his lips. The scene made tears begin to prick Dean's eyes as well but he tried his best to blink them away. Seeing his little brother Sammy reduced to a sobbing mess made Dean's heart throb in pain, he always swore to protect him yet Sam was clearly broken and desperate for comfort. Dean let his arms wrap around Sam holding him tightly as he cried. Sam gripped the back of Dean's jacket with his hands so tightly that his knuckles began to turn white and Dean began to rub Sam's back.

"It's okay Sammy." Dean whispered soothingly. "It's all going to be fine, things always end up alright fr us don't they?" Dean wasn't sure how he knew how to sooth another person, he's never done it before, and no one has for him since he was around five. Regardless of how he knew, he did and for Sam's sake, he was glad he did. They stood there for minutes, as Sam sobbed into Dean's chest and Dean rubbed his back whispering soothing words into Sam's ear. Despite the fact that Dean hated anything emotional such as this, he was more than happy to do it for his brother. They were the only family they had other than Bobby, and if one was in pain then it was up to the other to go above and beyond to help them, and that's what they did, they stood out in the dark night as Sam let everything spill out while he held onto Dean for dear life.

When Sam's sobs began to die down and his grip on Dean's coat loosened Dean made the attempt to look at Sam's face again. He placed his hands on Sam's shoulders and gently pushed him back so he could see the others face. His eyes were bloodshot from the crying, trails of tears cut down his face, and his cheeks had become red as well as the tips of his ears. Dean looked him over and it pained him to see his little brother in such a state but he had to be strong and not make himself succumb to the emotional atmosphere.

"How ya holding up Sammy?" He asked staring directly into Sam's eyes his own displaying a plea for the truth. Sam took a deep breath and looked away for a moment.

"Honestly," he began exhaling and looking Dean back in the eyes before continuing. "I feel a lot better then I did ten minutes ago, but I don't feel as though I'm perfectly sane."

"That's to be expected, you never were sane to begin with, none of us ever are." Sam smiled slightly at the little joke but he quickly returned to his somewhat depressed expression.

"I guess you're right. We should get going, we can't have Bobby waiting." Dean gave Sam a smile and patted him on the back.

"Alright, then let's get moving princess." Sam rolled his eyes playfully before turning to get back into the car. Once they were in Dean took back of down the road so the could meet up with Bobby. After a mile down the road dean decided to speak breaking the quickly fallen awkwardness between the two.

"Sammy?" He asked glancing at Sam for a brief moment.

"Yeah Dean?" Sammy replied looking over at his brother.

"I know how I appear and how I act, but I'm sill your brother, if you ever have a problem I want to be the first one you turn to, got it? I'm here for you, through thick and thin."

"I get it Dean, that back there was...just a little moment of weakness, okay? I'm fine and that was nothing."

"If you say so..."

"And Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." Dean didn't reply or look in Sam's direction but he did feel a little happy on the inside, he felt fresh for some reason, and he wondered if Sam felt this too. He brushed it off as nothing and continued on his was to Bobby's. Even though Sam said what happened back there was nothing, it was much much more than that. After their trip to the hospital and to the safe house Sam had awoken to find Dean sitting on the floor beside his bed despite how cold and uncomfortable it must have been, Sam knew Dean was doing that to maybe bring him security and it made him all the more happy. The night proceeding that Sam had actually swallowed his pride and asked Dean the sleep with him in the bed, and as the night wore on Sam couldn't help but cling onto Dean's arm for comfort. The small release of emotion in those short ten minutes only two days ago, brought the two brothers closer than they had ever been before, it was as if a new bond was made between them, it was strong and held the two together, and Sam decided that maybe being a little selfish now and then could sometimes heed positive results.

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**A/N: and there we are, my first Supernatural fanfic! Thank you for reading and bearing through my many mistakes weather it be spelling or have to do with the show. Please review! I love them and let me know if there's anything I should fix, without spoilers please!**

**Stay Wizard**

**~Mortis**


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